Where Do You Go
by JRock-Chik
Summary: [SuzuTetsu]It isn't right. It feels wrong. Where do you go when you don't belong anymore? Do you follow the honor of your people or what you believe in? Where do you go when you can't follow your heart.... OneShot


**Where Do You Go...**

When You Can't Follow Your Heart?

Warning: This is a Shonan-ai GuyxGuy pairing. It has SuzuTetsu in it. Don't like it? You're free to leave. I'll tolerate no flames based on the pairing and It's a OneShot soit will not be continued.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own PMK or SIP(M). I only own my fantasies.

Mahono: Thank you for your time. Please read and review.

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He had cropped his hair short with his own blade. In doing so he left behind what he once was. Done in the dead of night, he had made sure no one would see him. He split the remains of his long hair in two. One half he tied together and slipped between his brothers books. Somewhere between the stacks of accounting numbers and drawings of European guns he left his childhood to the one man who had seen him through it all. The other half he carefully wrapped and gave it to a delivery boy to take to the one woman he knew would miss him the most. Tetsunosuke could only pray that his parting gifts would give Tatsunosuke and Saya comfort. 

The night Tetsu fled the Shinsengumi was cold and dark. The ground was slick with mud made by the rain that had only stopped hours ago. There was little moon light to see by. As he ran down the back streets of the town he could hardly see the lanterns that hung on the occupant's front doors. The only thing he could see clearly was his own breath coming out in white puffs.

Tetsu ran hard, with his hair gone he felt lighter than he ever had before. It felt good to shed away the burdens of his past. Once his lungs and legs began to burn he slowed down. He hoped for now that this would be far enough. No one would notice he was gone until morning chores came around. Until then he should be safe.

Tetsu slumped against one of the ally walls. He had eaten heartily as ever during dinner, but he knew sooner or later he might have to steal just to survive. The mud gave way to his sandals and Tetsu slid slowly down the slick wall and sat on the damp ground. The wet chill of the mud that could be felt through his clothing was annoying, but his mind was on bigger things.

Where was he going to hide? Leaving the Shinsengumi was punishable by seppuku, ritual suicide. If they ever caught him, he'd be forced to slit open his own stomach. He could probably sneak back in now and no one would know the difference. He could think up at least one believable lie to why he cut off his hair. He could go back, but he wouldn't.

Tetsu looked down at his sandaled feet and thought about why he left. The things he had seen, all that had happened. Hijikata had finally been ready to let him become one of them, to let him be a demon of the Shinsengumi. A real fighter. After losing Yamanami and Akesato, after all the carnage he'd seen, he just didn't think he could do it anymore. Especially with what had happened with Suzu, he just couldn't take that kind of torture again.

Tetsu was still pondering his choices staring down at the mud when an idea stuck him. With his orange hair he knew he would stick out, but if he covered it with mud maybe he would be a little less noticeable. Other than his hair, another physical trait that would easily give him away was his scar. It wasn't like it was a common thing to have your ear nearly sliced in half. If they were desperate the Shinsengumi could send out a description of him to the people. There was no doubt that the citizens would turn him over, especially if there was an award. It would look odd if he went around with mud covering his face. It was possible to cover his face with a hood, but that just seemed like it would be even more suspicious than to have mud covering his face. Tetsu needed something, but what?

Tetsu dug his hand into his haiori and pulled out the white sash he had hidden there. It was Suzu's old scarf that he had worn back when they we're still friends. Tetsu gripped the white cloth tightly as tears stung his eyes.

"Why." Tetsu hissed, "Why did it have to turn out this way…"

He brought the sash close to his face as he let his mind drift back a few nights, back to his last encounter with the young teenager who had helped flip his entire world upside down.

-

It had been warm that night. While everyone else was celebrating in the brightly lit rooms of the Shinsengumi Headquarters Tetsu was out wandering around under the starlight. Sanosuke, Heisuke, and Shinpachi had found out that Tetsu was to be given a sword and made into a warrior. So they had rallied a group of men and brought them to the room where Tetsu slept to have a big party in his honor. The news had shocked him of course and he was excited; but as the party went on different worries began to plague Tetsu's mind.

Tetsu waited until the men had gotten themselves good and drunk to make sure that no questions would be asked. Then he slipped out when no one was looking. Now here he was wondering around blindly with a slight buzz and no direction, just letting his mind drift. Unknowingly he wondered outside of Shinsengumi territory while lost in his own thoughts.

He had been wanting this honor for so long, it hardly seemed liable that this was really happening. It was odd though, as much as he knew what a gracious offer this was he felt sick to his stomach at the thought of taking up that sword and becoming a real member. Maybe it was just that he wasn't used to the alcohol that was lodged in his system, but something felt horribly wrong about all of this.

All this wondering and worrying was wearing him out. The street that Tetsu had slipped into was empty. There wasn't one lantern lit as far as the eye could see. It was better that way though, he needed to rest and with the street abandoned he wouldn't be bothered by anyone. Slowly Tetsu dropped to his knees. Just a small rest, he told himself. That was all he needed, then maybe he could head home and sort things out there. Wherever home was…

"Idiot, it's not safe to be wondering around alone at night drunk." A familiar voice joked from the shadows.

Tetsu's breath caught in his throat. He feared to raise his eyes to see the newcomer, not because he didn't know him, but because he did.

"Don't tell me you're lost!" The voice laughed at him again. It was strange, Tetsu knew that voice, but it didn't seem as harsh as it had been the past couple of months. Tetsu finally got the nerve to look up, and what he saw confounded him.

The boy he knew so well, Suzu Kitamura was standing before him smiling as expected. It wasn't the wide evil grins that Tetsunosuke had come accustomed to. It was happy, impish. He smiled like nothing had ever gone wrong. His eyes didn't seem cold either; they were a warm blue like the sea, vast and caring, if not a little stuck up. What really got Tetsu though were the teenager's clothes. He was dressed in a black haori and a white hakama. He had donned his old black tabi socks and had worn his old tatami sandals instead of his boots. Around his neck was the soft white scarf that he had worn back when they had been friends. In short, Suzu looked as if he had stepped back into time and had appeared before Tetsu as the old Suzu. No grudges, no plots, just a cocky attitude with know-it-all remarks.

"Su…Suzu." Tetsu gasped openly at the boy's apparel. Was this true? Was he really going back to the way he was before? Why? What happened to make him reconsider his actions?

Suzu's childish smile didn't disappear when Tetsu gawked at him. He seemed rather amused and pleased by his reaction. Tetsu shook his head to try and clear his thoughts. He would just have to take everything in stride.

"What are you doing here?" Tetsu asked a hint of suspicion in his voice. He didn't move towards Suzu or away from him. He feared either reaction might cause Suzu to change back. He wanted to hold this picture, to see if it was real. He'd missed his friend.

"Hm?" Suzu looked down at him his smile turning into a sheepish twitch. "Oh, I was just…star gazing. That's all." He replied a faint blush crossing his cheeks. He was embarrassed to be caught doing something that his peer might find evincive.

Tetsu couldn't help himself when a teasing smirk broke out on his face. "Star Gazing?" Tetsu repeated jokingly as if the mere notion was something no normal guy would be caught dead thinking.

"It's better than wondering around like an old man drunk." Suzu spat at Tetsu, turning his face away unable to face his companion out of embarrassment. Even if his face was overlaid with the shadows brought on by the moonlight Tetsu could still catch a hint of the color that flooded Suzu's cheeks. He remembered the old Suzu blushing… he remembered Suzu's intense need to fight to prove himself in the eyes of the people around him. He remembered this Suzu, but he couldn't get rid of the images that flooded his mind of the colder one. Images of the vengeful maniac that craved his demise as repentance stayed firmly in his mind. They made him suspicious of a ploy, was this another way of hurting him? Was Suzu exploiting his emotions towards his old friend in order to make him fall?

He knew he had to ask, but he was afraid. If this wasn't a trick, if he really could get his old friend back then he didn't want to blow it. His suspicions wouldn't stop nagging at him. "Suzu," He began, "are you…real?"

Suzu's eyebrows knitted together in confusion, "Am I real?" He asked, "What do you mean?"

"I mean," Tetsu turned and bowed his head to stare intensely at the dirt below him, "…Suzu why, why are you acting this way? I thought…that you hated me."

Tears welled up in Tetsu's eyes. Just thinking about everything that had happened between them hurt. They hadn't been incredibly close, but they had been friends. At least that's what Tetsu wanted to believe. They had only talked a few times. They hardly had a chance to get to know each other before that bastard Yoshida had ordered his death. Sure they fought; Suzu was one of the most annoying people he ever knew. He was right up there with Susumu, but he still liked him. He still wanted to be friends with him.

When Tetsu looked up he saw that Suzu's eyes had taken on a pained expression. It was like a he was bordering on staying who he was now and returning to his more violent existence. He could see the reflection of the moonlight in the unshed tears threatening to sprout.

Suzu pressed his lips together in a thin line. He wouldn't respond to Tetsu's question. Whether he had a reason or not Suzu wasn't willing to give it up. If Suzu's recreation of his younger self was just a passing moment though, then Tetsu had one more question to ask.

"Suzu, are we friends?" Tetsu's jaw locked into place once the question had been asked. Even if the new Suzu hated him forever, he wanted to know whether it would have been at all possible, if things had been different, for them to have ever been friends.

Suzu lifted his head and stared up into the shining moon trying his best to banish the tears that threatened to fall. He couldn't bring himself to cry in front of Tetsu. Suzu would never be that open to anyone. Be strong, grow stronger, be the strongest. Wasn't that the prospect that they had both once wanted to live by? Their silence flowed between them as Suzu tried to control himself.

Tetsu stopped looking at Suzu's moonlit figure. The ground was much easier to look at that than a ghost of his past. What if they had never been friends? Did Suzu only save him because the thought of killing anyone sickened him?

The rustle of heavy fabric tore Tetsu away from his inner thoughts. Suzu had cleared the tears from his eyes and now kneeled before Tetsu. The image was so familiar to the both of them. It was like a repeat of the night when Tetsu had first seen Suzu after the Ikedaya Inn incident. Only this time Suzu seemed almost normal, and his eyes didn't seem so distant.

Suzu looked him straight in the eye, one arm propped up on one knee, the other limp by his side. "If you had to chose," Suzu asked him grimly, "would you betray your master or your friend?"

Barely a breath of silence passed between them before Suzu let a pained chuckle escaped his lips. "Don't answer that." Suzu told him bowing his head once his bitter laughter died out, "Knowing your idealistic mind you would always choose your friends over your master. Just like a true innocent." Suzu let out a long sigh, "But me…it's different for me. Master Yoshida was the only one I could trust…"

Tetsu couldn't look Suzu in the eye. He would never be able to understand how someone could trust that pyromaniac. He was a murderer. Yoshida was an evil entity that thrived on desolation and destruction. "Why are you telling me this?" Tetsu's words came out in a pained hiss. He struggled just to keep his voice steady as hatred for the man who killed his parents tightened the tendons in his throat.

"Why?" Suzu chuckled. He lowered his voice to a breathy hiss, "You ask too many questions, Tetsu."

His hand came up and cupped Tetsu's cheek. "You've always talked," Suzu began his breath becoming shallow, inching closer to Tetsu, "way too much…."

Excitement built up inside Tetsu's body. His heartbeat thrummed viciously in his chest. He couldn't keep his eyes from darting as they looked from Suzu's eyes to his lips. He was scared because it wasn't right. He was also scared because he wanted it. Tetsu knew what was coming, what he didn't know is how he should react.

Their lips pressed together softly at first but the pressure increased steadily. Tetsu kneeled frozen as the pressure against his lips mounted. Suzu seemed to pause waiting to see if Tetsu would push him away; when he didn't Suzu deepened the kiss. He moved his hand his fingers sliding along the back of Tetsu's neck stroking his hair as he tilted his head and licked Tetsu's lips gingerly. He was still waiting, for permission for refusal; for a reaction.

His mind moved slowly, but his body was quick to react. After his moment Tetsu's hands darted up and twined themselves in Suzu's scarf pulling him in. His grip tightened straining the soft cloth as he closed the small gap between them.

He wanted this, Tetsu realized. They both did. He opened his mouth and pressed his tongue against Suzu's. Tetsu's eyes drifted down and as they slowly closed the kiss became heated and desperate. The need for a friend and the longing for something more burned inside the both of the teens. Their first kiss was somewhat clumsy, but the meaning wasn't lost. Their tongues slid together never parting, but still moving. It was like a dance, no one led and no one followed they were equals. This was how it should have always been.

Suzu's hand drifted from Tetsu's neck down to his chest smoothing out the white fabric. One of Tetsu's hands released its grip on Suzu's scarf and slid down his arm gripping the edge of Suzu's black sleeve. Pealing away the yukata that hung loosely over Tetsu's shoulders Suzu pressed their bodies closer. As Suzu's hand slid against Tetsu's bare chest Tetsu let out a raspy moan.

Just as Tetsu dreamt they would go further Suzu ended the kiss. He slipped his hand out of Tetsu's yukata pulling his body away. Suzu stood the scarf that was still wound tightly in Tetsu's grip fell limply over the ground.

Tetsu's eyes still filled with a lusty haze blurred as they tried to focus on Suzu's now distant frame. Once his vision cleared he could see the shakiness of Suzu's gait. The older boy forced the distance between them to grow. He was fighting himself. Weighing the past with the present he fought himself for control over his body and emotions. Finally Suzu turned his back to Tetsu in a last effort at regaining his composure. He took a deep breath refusing to face Tetsu lest he give into his lust again.

Gingerly pressing his fingers to his swelling lips Tetsu mussed at their relationship. "Suzu," Tetsu spoke his voice barely above a whisper. " If none of this had happened, if there wasn't a war, if no one had died, if we weren't forced to follow our swords, could we have been…is it possible the we would have been…" He couldn't bring himself to say the words. This all seemed too much.

"It's pointless to ask what could have been, what should have been, or what would have been." Suzu told him without turning. "Never think on useless things." His words were like a chant, "This is the world we live in, there's no point in dreaming of another one."

"I suppose asking if we could start over would be stupid, huh?" Tetsu mumbled looking down at the scarf that he still held onto.

"I tried to kill you. An attempt at murder cannot be forgiven." Suzu's voice held the ring of a bitter laugh. "But disobeying an order," Suzu lowered his voice its melody somber, "that can be redeemed…" Suzu's sigh nearly could've been considered happy.

_I can still please Master._ Tetsu could hear the unsaid words hanging wistfully in the air. Suzu pulled himself up straight. "Letting the feeling of the moment control your actions only hinders your path to the future. Those emotions are meaningless."

He turned enough to get a clear look at Tetsu. The shadows that cloaked his face were eerie. "I swore to make your life a living version of hell." He told him coldly. "Next time you see me you'll be on your knees covered with your own blood." Suzu turned his back on Tetsu once again and disappeared down the ally and into the shadows of the night. Tetsu didn't stare after him. Instead he looked down and stared at the white scarf in his hand. He folded it up and stuffed it into his yukata. He got up and walked home his drunken buzz gone. His hand never left the scarf that night as he walked home. It was all he had to prove to himself that this night wasn't a dream and that these feelings weren't illusions.

-

Tetsu pulled himself out of his memories. He buried his face into the scarf screwing his eyes shut as to keep the memory locked fresh in his mind. He refused to cry, but he couldn't keep the lump out of his throat.

"You're wrong…" Tetsu murmured defiantly into the scarf. "Those feelings, they're what define us as humans."

He breathed in memorizing Suzu's sent. Then wrapping the scarf around his neck and over his face he opened his eyes. He pushed himself to his feet forgetting about the ache in his lungs from his long run. The muddy trail that spanned into several more allies seemed clearer than ever. Reinvigorated with confidence Tetsu trudged on. He might never be able to face Suzu again on good terms, but at least he could fight for what he believed in. At least he wouldn't have to fight against Suzu's ex companions anymore.

With his goal in mind set Tetsu headed out to Ryoma Sakomoto's ship.

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Mahono: I know I know, this isn't the story I promised to get out. I'm sorry! Facade and Rich Kids are still in the works. My Beta reader is a bit swamped at the moment, so she didn't correct this one. She promised to work on Rich Kids though, but we'll see. Sorry for my horrid grammar. My writing is a bit slow right now because of Honor classes, Volunteer Work, and Karate. I shouldn't complain though, I hear there's a Saiyuki writer who's in the Navy but still gets her stories out on time. sigh I aspire to be like her. This isn't nearly as good at Violent Unveiling, for that I'm sorry. It seemed good at the time anyways. Anyways, tell me what cha' think and help spur me to completing chapter one to Facade and Rich Kids! Review Please! 


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